Birthday Presence

There is nothing quite like having a birthday party with screaming kids and toxic food (known to others as pizza, pop, and cupcakes). But, I won’t go there today. You know, ranting about the food industry—but maybe later this week I’ll revisit that one...

For now, I’d like to focus on a very special birthday! It was Sahara’s 5th birthday yesterday.

Not many of my mom friends will understand this, but if you are a mom to a child on the spectrum you most likely will. In the past five years we have had many gifts exchanges; birthdays, Christmas, Easter, yes, even made up holidays just for the sake of mixing it up. But… there was always this solemn energy blanketing the festivities.

Emily usually unwrapped all of the presents and Sahara stared off in space or got up to play with the toys she found comfort in. You could hear the frustration in Emily’s voice as she would yell, "Sahara look. Sahara! S_A_H_A_R_A! Look it’s beautiful!" as her sister would just stay in her own world.

I always felt sadness in the depth of my heart that the well thought out gifts just laid there among the discarded wrappings. I would find myself begging God to help us find a way to bring her back to us. Maybe he was listening because somehow this year was different… This year Sahara participated!

She sat focused and actually ‘got’ what was happening around her. She delicately unwrapped each and every present (a total of six, which is alot)… with such awareness. You could see the anticipation in her eyes (something we have never witnessed in this child). Once the present was unwrapped she would give this faint smile of approval and pleasure (again, something we have never witnessed).

Emily sat their giggling while Sahara examined each and every gift before she moved onto the next. I quietly basked in the moment of witnessing both of my girls 'having a moment'. The rest of the day Sahara carried her new Tinkerbell and Cow doll around with her everywhere she went. She even carefully placed each in between us last night before she drifted off to sleep.

I think the greatest gift given on her birthday wasn’t in any of those pretty pink wrapped boxes, or laying between us as we co-slept, but rather in the essence of a young girl who joined us to celebrate her 5th birthday…the gift of presence.

5 Years Ago I Gave Birth To My Sunshine Girl!

As Sahara's birthday quickly approaches I find myself thinking about her birth. I can't believe it has been five years since my baby was born... where has the time gone? Anyways, in order to avoid my thoughts turning to how old I am getting I have decided to post a small excerpt from The Mother Consciousness about this birth experience....

"...Five days after my due date, we had the luxury of calling the midwives into the comfort of our home. I had been asleep for a couple of hours when I was awakened with the sensation to urinate. When I returned to bed I lay quietly next to my sleeping daughter. Focused on the tightening of my belly, I wondered if this was the beginning of true labor. When labor began with my first pregnancy it was obvious; my water broke and stage two labor contractions were upon me. This time I didn’t feel much urgency and birthing in the comfort of our home I was in no rush to go anywhere.

"When my husband heard me making a soft low pitched groan he decided he should call the midwives. He said he had only heard that sound once before and that was right before our first daughter was birthed. I was still unsure I was in labor even as the mid-wives arrived with my daughter yelling out the window, “Mommy’s having the baby! Mommy’s having the baby!” She jumped back into bed with excitement and I soon found myself, again, concentrating on the colors of the rainbow. I was birthing our second daughter in the comfort of my own bed just two hours and 50 minutes after I had awakened to go to the bathroom. With my husband on one side of me and my daughter on the other—this was surely a family moment to be cherished for eternity.

"In the quiet of the night we bonded with our newest family member. When my older daughter assisted the midwives in cutting the umbilical cord she joyfully declared, “Sister, I am making your belly button.” I then showered as she helped the midwives make the bed and dress her new baby sister. After the midwives packed up and left, my new family of four drifted off to an entire night of peaceful sleep. "

Happy Early Birthday, Sunshine Girl!!

Happy 10th Birthday!

Do you remember the anticipation you felt on the eve of your 10th birthday? Turning double digits!! You eagerly went to bed certain you would be a completely different person upon rising... But, sleep didn’t come easy.

You lay there awake, your mind focused on that number… 10… it signified so much; perfection, coming full circle, centeredness. Although, as a blooming tween, your mind wasn’t focused on that symbolism as much as the party and being an almost teen… just 3 more years, that is 36 short months.

Girl, you rocked! You were on top of your game.

Then you woke up… you had to admit you didn’t feel much different than last night, however you did feel the surge of adrenaline pumping through you as you remembered your friends would soon be here to help greet you into the next decade of your life. You jumped out of bed to the smell of your special breakfast and your birthday was in full swing.

During my birthday breakfast the high pitched ring of the phone broke the excited chatter between me and my four siblings. My mom’s voice answered the phone; she guarded her words. Glances were darted around the room, but I seemed to be the only one who didn’t understand. When she was done with her muffled conversation she took me to my room.

What!?!? We did everything together. This was my big 10! We just talked about it last night about what we were wearing. I didn’t understand why my three cousins wouldn’t be coming. It didn’t make sense. Then she told me…

My favorite aunt, their mom, how?!?! I didn’t want to believe it. Moms don’t die. I know, she had been sick for some time, but she was going to get better. She just had to.

I don’t know how long I laid there crying. I remember feeling an incredible sense of grief and just couldn’t pull myself together. Then my sister yelled, “Perry is here!” My first guest, for my first big party, the whole class was coming. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day, but I brushed my long blonde hair, put on my floral sundress, and headed out to the backyard.

…I still have the golden heart locket Perry gave me that year. Maybe as a treasure for my 10th birthday — from my first guest who had a hidden crush on me… or maybe as a hidden momentum for the broken heart that I endured that day. At ten I was sure I was all that, but somehow my aunt’s death seemed to snap me back to reality.

30 years later, as I prepared for my own daughter’s 10th celebration, I was determined to have it be a memory she, too, would never forget. Only this memory would be one of joy, laughter, and friendship. I know we cannot control the unforeseen, but I would do the best to protect her from the pain I endured on my 10th birthday. She was to feel like she was on top of the world for the whole day.

“Double digits, double the fun! Pick out your two favorite activities and that is what we are doing.”

So, on Saturday afternoon (with friends in tow) we headed to the horse barn. Most of the kids had never been on a horse before; the amazement in their eyes was enough to tell me that this was a moment being embedded in their youthful memories. The laughter flowed from them as they fed the horses carrots and apples. (This was way cooler than any commercialized birthday party.)

When I finished gathering the backpacks scattered by the arena, I turned to find the kids on the tractor bed bailing hay. They were working, but they didn’t know it… amazing!

Later they splashed in the pool; foreign squeals filled the farm air. After a splashing game of Marco-Polo, we headed back to the house for ice cream, cake, hot dogs and, of course, presents. She received gifts that were meaningful to her; a dinosaur shadow box was among her favorite along with art supplies and stuffed animals. I silently wondered if one would end up on the bottom of her hope chest, like my gold heart from Perry.

I felt a sense of accomplishment as I nestled down for the night; my thoughts swirling around the new generation full of stars in their eyes.