Oil Spill, Meditation and Eradication

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is going to impact our planet, children and grandchildren, ecology, economy, etc. for centuries to come... that is if we survive it at all!! I watch videos, view pictures and read story after story; and my heart aches for our planet and mankind. I can’t help but worry about what devastation this will behind. I pray, but I am not sure that is enough.

I try not to focus on the obvious detriment of the situation. I firmly believe in the law of attraction and know my thoughts can and do create my reality. So, I try to meditate and focus on purified waters, a healthy marine habitat and a repaired oil tank. I figure that if the scientists and engineers who are armed with technology cannot fix the massive oil rig tank, then surely our thoughts can.

Well, I have to admit that is even hard for me to ascertain. I try, but I keep returning to thoughts of destruction and greed. I cannot help but to beg the power and money hungry individuals in charge to get off their duff and do something about this before it kills not only the planet, but the people who inhabit her too!! Stop defending Big Oil and take action!!

I feel like my pleas are met on deaf ears. I contemplate that if the powers to be can make vulgar statements about the oil spill and not take proper action to remedy the situation, and then it is very possible that the same greedy bastards could be making vulgar statements to discredit concerned parents and deny vaccine injury while continuing to pump that toxicity into our bodies? Sadly, this makes me feel validated. Sadly, this is probably close to the truth.

We live in a corrupt society where money and power make us do things that are incomprehensible. We turn the cheek when it doesn’t directly affect us or when we are seemingly removed. But, I have to say that we are not removed from either of these scenarios. Our children are being vaccine damaged as well as poisoned by toxins and pesticides in their foods as well as in their toys. Just this week alone 2 children’s items were recalled for containing cadmium… Miley Cyrus brand Jewelry at Walmart and Shrek glassware at Mc Donald’s.

And yet, we think it to be so farfetched that vaccines might contain harmful ingredients? Another story surfaced this week about a congressional committee that is investigating what they are calling a ‘phantom recall’ on Johnson and Johnson division, Mc Neil’s, Motrin. Apparently, the company outsourced contractors to have individuals go into stores and buy the entire product on the shelf to prevent a nationwide recall.

There are some tainted business practices occurring and it is mankind that is paying. Of course, Sarah Palin would like to blame the ‘Radical Environmentalists’ for the recent Oil Spill, but we know better. It is a world full of greed and this too shall bite us in the ass. This spill will effect far more than the Gulf. It will affect the entire mother earth and her inhabitants. You know I think she will survive… but not without causalities. Mankind has been eradicated before, and we are not too far from it again. We are but a mere virus on her and her immune system is about to eliminate us.

I pray that I am wrong for our sake, for our children's sake, and for the sake of this planet that gives us life.

Recall on Children's OTCs

43 Cold Medicines are being recalled by their manufacturer, McNeil Consumer Healthcare, after a discovery that they did not meet quality control!!

McNeil Consumer Healthcare in cooperation with the Federal Drug and Food Administration (FDA) are recalling Children Products:

· Tylenol Infants’ Drops

· Children’s Tylenol Suspensions

· Children’s Tylenol Plus Suspensions

· Motrin Infants’ Drops

· Children’s Motrin Suspensions

· Children’s Motrin Cold Suspensions

· Children’s Zyrtec Liquid in Bottles

· Children’s Benadryl Allergy Liquid in Bottles

(Click here and scroll down to see the full list of products being recalled.)

These products are manufactured in the United States and have been distributed in:

· United States

· Canada

· Dominican Republic

· Dubai (UAE)

· Fiji

· Guam

· Guatemala

· Jamaica

· Puerto Rico

· Panama

· Trinidad & Tobago

· Kuwait

The manufacturer stated that these products might have 1) the wrong amount of active ingredients specified in them 2) particles in them or 3) ingredients that have not meet internal testing.

You can reach the manufacturer at 1-888-222-6036 if you have questions or concerns.

Okay, now that I have shared the facts all I have to add is… HOW? At a time with all this technology and medical advancement do we have something to this degree occur? Granted they say they don’t expect any medical emergencies occurring as a result, but do they really know?

If it was alarming enough to pull what I am guessing to be millions of dollars worth of products off the shelves in 12 countries, it has to be worthy of concern. No manufacturer is going to risk losing that much money to pull a product that didn’t pose some sort of high risk consequence. I suspect we are not hearing the full truth, but that doesn’t surprise me none.

If you have administered or a medical facility has administered any of these products, you may want to flood their phone banks with a concerned call. And you many want to consider calling your pediatrician.

Unity Among the Autism Community

On the eve of April - Autism Awareness month, I feel compelled to get this off my chest. See I have been holding my tongue for some time and I absolutely cannot stand it anymore. The ‘infighting’ among the autism community grates at my inner core and I find myself needing to come forth in order to release the charged feelings I am experiencing ... I understand it may not do any good, but at least I will have said my peace.

At a time when autism numbers are soaring, we need the mainstream folk to become involved. And yet, our own community cannot support one another despite our differences … How, I ask, can we possibly expect others to take a stand and advocate for us, when we can’t do so for each other? It is time to set aside our differences and unite for the greater good of the autism community as a whole.

Our children (and adults) diagnosed with autism need support, protection, advocacy, and empowerment as well as other necessities.

Personally, dare I say, that I actually relate to both sides in my own unique way; the neuro-diveristy and the pro-cure. I don’t think that makes me hypocritical. I am just a concerned mindful mother wanting the best for her child.

The nuero-diversity camp promotes that we accept our differences and honor each person in their unique sense of self. Truthfully, that really is the foundation of my personal advocacy group, Exceptional Beyond Labels. I, also, believe that despite any label (autism, aspergers, pdd-nos, ect) that each person behind the label is just that… A PERSON! They are a person not defined by this label, but rather a person defined by their unique individualization... And that person is phenomenal and capable of anything given the proper tools. Autism is not something to be ashamed of, in fact, I believe it is those on the autism spectrum that will make profound changes in the systems that are no longer working in our world(but, that is a whole different blog entry). I believe that all research and programming and legislation should include parents and adults on the spectrum ... I agree that we cannot determine their future without their input!!

On the flip-side, I find myself praying for a cure and requesting unbiased 3^rd party research. I long for a day that the ‘infantile autism’ label that limits my child is shed like the skin on a snake. I am motivated to prove the diagnosing psychologist wrong when she said to us without a blink of an eye that our young daughter would never have a productive career, meaningful friendships, marriage, a college education or independent living. I have read countless books and surf the net to wee hours of the night to discover what others are doing to help their child diagnosed with autism to 'recover', so that I might be able to pull her further into our world closer to a functional life. I have tried diets, alternative therapies, holistic medicine, traditional therapies, and anything else that was within my arm’s reach. I want, like every parent, to have my child have a bright future full of possibilities.

I don’t do these things to change her core essence, but to remove barriers so that she can have a productive future; to improve her quality of life; to reduce her fundamental frustrations that are demonstrated through a profound expressive and receptive speech delay, an heightened autonomic nervous system response, the sensory and auditory processing complications, a curious eating disorder, awkward socialization skills.... let's not forget that I do this to end the never ending fear of her risk of elopement ending in a catastrophe or to end the nightmares about what will happen to her if her parents were to tragically die or to end the fear that resides in the knowing that if someone were to violate her she would not have the functional words to tell me (and the list goes on) …

I have come to understand that some cases of autism (possibly more aspergers than infantile autism) is genetically based and hereditary while other cases are more environmental. Our geneticist concluded there was no biological foundation for the autism, yet denied environmental possibilities. That doesn't make sense to me. How can biological and environmental factors both be ruled out? This is a hot topic and has caused some to even proclaim hatred towards a certain celebrity. However, I cannot rationalize for one second how the toxins in the vaccines could possibly be safe in the amounts given to the tiny bodies our child inhabit. Yes, I know that the CDC and FDA have cleared them to be safe but common sense tells me otherwise. (I am not going to elaborate on this as there are many resources out there stating the facts… go check them out). I, also, am concerned that no one is talking about maternal vaccine history and its effects on the offspring she bears or the Rho-Gam (Anti-D) vaccine given to pregnant women with negative blood. If the toxins cross the blood brain barrier during critical fetal nuero-development could that not affect the brain and cause autistic-like symptoms?

Now, I do believe that the camp that takes this stance should be less cynical and sarcastic in their presentation … tastefulness goes along way. I wonder if a certain publication ever considers that their point of view would be better accepted by mainstream, the autism community, government, and big-pharm if they added a little more class to their presentation. But, their opponents create face book pages like I Hate Jenny McCarthy. So, what do you do?

This has to stop. We have to have a truce!! We have to say we can understand both perspectives and respect the needs of both parties. We have to stop organizations getting rich off of the challenges our children and adult friends diagnosed with autism face. We have to unit for the common good for all involved regardless of etiology beliefs! We have to unite to promote advocacy, education, safety, insurance inclusion, 3^rd party research, affordable early intervention, awareness of alternative and holistic health modalities, resources on self-esteem building, education advocacy and inclusion, elimination of seclusion and restraint, as well as promote things like education for mainstream professionals like the police, firemen, teachers, store clerks, life guards, and public transit authorities.

We have to put aside our differences for the greater good of our community; a community desperate for answers and desperate for acceptance.

Jenny McCarthy Offers Hope To Mothers: Part 2!

I wrote a post about Jenny McCarthy offering hope to some mothers a couple of months ago... Yes, I understand that was risky. You either love her or hate her, right?

Well, it turns out, some thought that opened me up to a debate on vaccinations. The post really wasn't supposed to be about vaccinations... it was about hope, hope that so many in the anti-Jenny camp rape mothers of. Hope that our children CAN function normally...

I understand, our kids will always see the world through different colored glasses, but they can function with proper support and unconditional love. This is the hope I want to instill in others... unlike, the hope that the diagnosing psychologist offered us by telling us our daughter would never have a meaningful relationship, work or live independently... if we didn't do her ABA program!

This post was about the hope Jenny offers. The strength she emits to some. It was to defend a fellow mother who has been criticized for 'speaking outside the box'. My most recent critic responded, "There is NO evidence to indicate that vaccinations cause autism. http://tinyurl.com/ylbnrpc Think critically. http://tinyurl.com/cxnbvv"

Well, I go could go on for a really long time about both of those statements, but this sums up my reaction:

I do think critically -- about a system that deems it perfectly safe to inject mercury into a pregnant woman, yet tell her not to eat tuna fish.

I think critically -- about a system that refuses 3rd party unbiased research.

I think critically -- about the people sitting behind a computer making these comments... I wonder who is paying them.

I think critically -- about the systems (including doctors who chelate) that are taking advantage of desperate mothers and families.

I think critically -- about how there is only one industry that the government says, "Hey, if your product injures or kills a child or baby... don't worry, we have your back. You are not responsible."

I think critically -- about the elephant in the middle of America's pestilence among it's children; and wonder why we continue to tip-toe around and defend it.

I think critically -- about much and often!!

Most importantly, I think critically -- about each calculated move I make in addressing my child's symptomatology (which happens to mimic mercury poisoning- but we won't go there [today]). I think critically about the cost of her traditional and non-traditional treatment, her education, her dietary needs, her spiritual needs, her emotional needs, cognitive needs, physical needs...

My Name Is Not Autism!

We have have been excelling in just about every aspect of this thing in our lives called autism; making progress with leaps and bounds. Yes, I know we have a long way to go, but it is in those seemingly small triumphs (like hearing a pronoun escape those lips) that we continue to aim for the monumental finish line. This is a race I not only got roped into without consent, but it is also one I will finish with vigor!

As we propel forward I have changed some of my thinking.... I have stopped saying that my daughter is autistic, instead I say she is diagnosed with autism. See if she is something it is here to stay. She is a girl... She is a sister... She is O-... those things won't change. But, diagnoses and labels can be (and are) removed.

My daughter in not autism, my daughter is experiencing autism.

My agenda is not hidden. My goal is to get my daughter beyond this label. Not for my benefit but hers. I know that will piss some people off. In fact, I know several camps that will claim that is impossible or that this is not all accepting of her. But, I challenge that. As we recover from the toxins that soared through her body as a fetus and infant we start to see glimpses of the Sahara Grace that would have been...

Is it wrong to want to know that child? Is it wrong to yearn for her recovery? Is it wrong to say that I won't stop this fight until the label is gone and she is able to function normally? Is it wrong to yearn to hear her thoughts, dreams and aspirations? Is it wrong to want for her to fit in with her peers without obvious deficits? Is it wrong that I get pissed off that her childhood was stolen from her? ... from her sister?

The answer is simple: no!

It isn't about the label... it is about the stigma, the deficits, the inability to effectively communicate, the lack of peer interaction, the sensitivities that interrupt the seemingly simple daily tasks, the freaking moments she can't tell me what is happening to her when I am not there to protect her...

We will conquer autism. Not because we don't love her for who she is today; that person's attributes are beyond words!! She is an incredible soul with lots of love, humor, wit, and charm. But because we want more for her than the constant feedback, "She is such a sweet child!" or "Isn't she pretty?" Yes, she is sweet and pretty.... but she is more that that. Often people say these things when the autism is in the forefront of her day.

I am sure they think this comforts me and makes me feel better. But, honestly it pushes buttons deep within me. She is more than a sweet child or a pretty girl... she is Sahara Grace, and she has so much she wants to teach the world, so much hidden in this fog that she wants to express, feeling that are bound in her, and accomplishments waiting to be recognized.

She is Sahara Grace... not autism!!

Reflections About My Daughter Being Hit By A Car

My youngest daughter was struck by a car over the weekend on the 13^th anniversary of my father’s death!! She was riding her bike on the sidewalk in front of our house when a teen on a cell phone backed out of her driveway without looking. The driver kept backing up after hitting her; pinning Sahara under the bike and car. She didn’t stop until my husband hit the trunk of her car while yelling, “STOP… MOVE FORWARD!" Had she gunned the car or had my husband not been right behind my child it could have been catastrophic.... The girl got out of the car still talking on her cell phone saying, "I'll have to call you back".

Luckily, Sahara walked away with only 2 scratches!!

So this incident has brought several issues to light with me:

The obvious is that cell phones should not be used in vehicles. As much as we would like to think we can multi-task, the dangers are too great! In a split second, this single distraction almost took a life.

After many people said we should have called the cops, pressed charges, filed an insurance claim… I have to address my thoughts about this. Firstly, my thoughts were foremost on my child’s well-being during the incident; no one existed around us in the moment except me and my child. I never even considered those ramifications until hours later after we determined that she was indeed going to be okay. Secondly, the teen did check on Sahara later that evening and I made it a point to let her know she almost killed a child that evening! I also pointed out that it could have been her 15 month old son behind that car! By the expression on her face, I am sure she is having trouble sleeping as much as I and that is a far more natural consequence than anything a court of law could do. Drawing it out into a legal battle would have been a consumption of my energy that I just don’t have to offer right now. However, please understand that had there been different injuries we would have taken different legal actions.

Or would we… in the time I have had to process this incident, I have also come to terms with the fact that my child could have died Saturday night. So, I ask myself what I would have done under those circumstances and I have to say my response surprises even me… I would have a difficult time destroying two families and therefore I would have advocated for her not to be prosecuted for manslaughter. Why? Again, the natural consequences of taking a life would be far more punishment that anyone deserves. And to rip another mother from another child would be just as catastrophic. Furthermore, you have to consider how those actions would affect the surviving sibling.

So, this makes me realize that there was a higher purpose to this incident. My husband and I have discussed this at great length, as Sahara should not have walked away uninjured. This was a cosmic contract; for Sahara, the teen, or someone else we don’t know, but we are sure that a contract was fulfilled. I am certain this incident probably saved future lives. Whether the teen will act more responsibly or because I vow not to use my phone in a car anymore… perhaps another bystander witnessed this and will act more cautiously or because you are reading this mother’s words… I don’t know. But something larger than us occurred that night.

Sahara shouldn’t have walked away with just two scratches!!

After scooping my limp child out of my husband’s arms, I collapsed into the yard with her. Shaking uncontrollably, everyone around me seemed to fade into the background. Her big sister ran into the house and got ice packs and wet wash clothes. I gentle began cleaning her scratches and touching her; within minutes she was up and walking.

A mother’s touch is healing; not some placebo effect, but truly healing. This is why children innately ask for their mother’s to touch their boo-boos and to kiss them. A mother permeates healing energy to her child allowing the boo-boo to genuinely feel better. This is the same phenomena that can explain why others heal ailments and mend bones simply when laying hands.

That evening when we went inside and lay on the couch together, I immediately activated Reiki and began energy work. This was the first Reiki session I had given to someone else since being attuned for the Master level just a couple nights before. She lay completely still for 50 minutes as I channeled energy to her. As soon as I was done, she jumped up and started laughing, talking, and dancing. I am not sure I can put into words what transpired, but I do know that she no longer limped and whined after this session.

I am certain that Sahara was protected that evening by entities that we couldn’t see.

I am aware that my spirituality strengthened that evening.

AND

I am grateful that my child is alive!!

Mothers, Will You Unite With Me?

Today is 9/9/09 and the voices of our children are about to be heard. I invite you to advocate for the one out of 100 children that are diagnosed with autism. I invite you to be the voice our children do not have. I invite you to be the straw that got the nation to listen!

Nothing ruffles my feathers more than when mothers start to ostracize each other because they have different perspectives on the etiology of autism. Instead of getting into heated debates we should be reaching out and saying, “We agree to disagree, now let’s get things done.”

Let me share with you my perspective.

I find that to say autism can’t be caused by vaccines because your child doesn’t have autism and is fully vaccinated a ridiculous statement. I think that for you to say it can’t be the RhoGam shot because your grandbaby is ‘normal’ and that your daughter got the same shots as I a close minded response. When people say statements like this to me I want to scream, “You are missing the point!”

Let me take a different angle... I started smoking when I was eighteen, and I tinkered with smoking throughout high school and was an avid smoker by the time entered college. For the next ten years, I consistently smoked… sometimes up to two packs a day (graduate school all nighters will do that to you). However, I do not have the dis-ease called lung cancer; why? I smoked and smoking causes cancer. So, is it logical for me to conclude that smoker must NOT cause cancer?

My point is this… just because your child didn’t regress into autism doesn’t mean that the risk and dangers aren’t there. I am not against vaccinations; I oppose the toxins and second most dangerous substance known to man being willingly shoved into our children and expectant mothers. Do you know what your child would be like it he hadn’t been vaccinated? Maybe he would have been even more extraordinary!

Most mothers I know would go to the ends of the Earth for what she believed to be the right thing for her child. I am asking us, mothers, to unite together and use this energy to create a shift. Not just on your home front but nationally.

Demand that the government, scientists, pharmaceutical companies, and media admit we have a national crisis among this generation of children. Demand that fetus, infants, toddlers, and children are no longer subjected to mercury. Demand that we get 3^rd party research from unbiased scientists. Demand that we get the tools we need to see that our children can live productive and healthy lives.

Open Letter to President Obama: Time is of the Essence to Meet with Autism Community

Dear Mr. President,

As I think back to the hope I felt watching your inauguration, tears steam down my face. I had this fallacy that you were going to make an extraordinary difference in our community. I know that it has only been 9 months, but on this issue time is of the essence!

I reflect how we cheered, danced and cried as we witnessed history in the making; and now I sit depleted of hope, almost enraged that you continue to ignore the autism community. On September 2, 2009 I saw a great message on a friend’s Facebook wall,

“…thinks that no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.”

Of course, I reposted it and was amiably pleased to see the message infiltrated through my Facebook network within hours. Then the next day, I was even more amazed to see your response to this posting,

“Barack Obama Encouraged to see this going around today: "No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day."”

But, here is the thing… I am amazed not so much that you (or your PR people) were actually watching what we post… but, more so, that you are watching what we post and what that means about you. Let me explain, you are listening and that means that you have been seeing the outcry of requests from the autism community to meet with you, Michelle, or both… and yet, you continue to not respond. We haven’t even received as much as a “no thank you” in response to this personal invitation.

YET, you responded to a general posting infiltrating the virtual world exactly one week before the requested meet-up with Angela Warner, military mom and autism advocate representing many. Your non-action speaks louder than words, Mr. President.

I am aware you will make an education public address to the youth of America on Tuesday afternoon… please understand that 1 out of 150 (some say 60 now) of these children are inflicted with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). They have communication barriers, cognitive and developmental delays, and sensory deficits… I am certain the majority will not be able to comprehend what they are listening to over the public audio system.

When my daughters’ schools announced that they would be allowing the address to be piped through the classrooms, my initial response was to question how effective this was going to be. Apparently, you are more optimistic than I. I know that my five year old along with the other children experiencing ASD will not comprehend a word you say. In fact, she may have broken thoughts of why the teachers are being intrusive on her set routine to make her listen to this abstract voice that she cannot decipher.

It would probably do you, the voters, the parents, and our children better to meet with the parents on the front line; not only about autism, but education, health care, and the false idealization of no child left behind.

It does take a village, Mr. President, but the village needs elders with integrity that are willing to listen to what the villagers are saying. So, I ask, "Will you listen to what we are saying? Will you meet with Angela Warner on September 9th? Will you help us address this epidemic among our youth? Will you reinstall hope in a community that feels left behind?"

Thank you for your action!
Susan Richardson
Mother, Wife & Autism Advocate

Ignorance About Her 'World'

"Aren't they lucky? They get to live in their own little world. They don’t have to be bothered with what is around them like we do… It must be nice!"

WHAT!?!?!

Yep, that is the response I got during some small talk from the cashier at Star Bucks this morning, after learning I had a daughter diagnosed with autism.

I am sure she wasn’t a complete idiot, because she quickly registered the face expression I had and I am sure I was glaring at her with all the bottled up contempt I have felt for the past five years. She abruptly started talking about her autistic nephew and how he eats toilet paper and how you cannot talk loudly around him… somehow sharing her story was supposed to make the sting of her comment go away.

Was she just trying to relate? I don’t know, frankly, I don’t care. Here is my take…

Firstly, I am not going to sugar coat this… This will have graphic language! I often pride myself on being heart-centered and helping others focus on the positives on this difficult journey… sometimes I think that a small glimpse of hope is what parents on the spectrum need to hear and I made that my mission… to inspire, educate and offer hope to mothers, fathers and siblings… but today I am setting that aside to let others (on the other side of this spectrum) know the nightmare we live!!!

Like it or not this is the attitude of many people in our communities. They see our Children and they have the outer appearance of neurotypical children, so there is this misconception that these kids are well. In fact, I think that many people that are directly affected by autism have this attitude as well. (Grandparents, aunts uncles, friends, ministers, therapists, teachers, neighbors…)

Another woman once invited me to participate in a fundraiser for a local camp for kids with ‘serious illnesses’. So, I asked if they had services for kids with autism and her response knocked me off of my seat; this camp apparently was designed for kids who “suffering with serious illness”.

You know serious illnesses like asthma, arthritis, cancer, heart disease…. NOT AUTISM.

It isn’t like you’re dealing with cancer or a debilitating disease, right? Well, sometimes I think THAT would be easier… your fate is presented and there is a clear cut plan of what to do. In many of our cases, we have to go through life guessing what is going to work best of our child, because no one has a fucking clue what to do with them.

No one is doing unbiased third party research… because no money is to be made.

No one is advocating for action against the discrimination they receive from insurance companies… because it will cost too much to treat.

No one is planning for their future… because they don’t acknowledge that this is a disability and it will affect them long after the parents are gone.

The day to day challenges are dismissed as behavior problems… no one sees that it IS a serious illness; you know a medical condition….

Yes, Autism is a medical condition that prevents my child from wanting to wear clothing… no amount of coaxing is going to solve that over night!

It is a medical condition that prevents my child from having functional speech… can your child tell you if someone sexually assaulted her… mine can’t.

It is a medical condition that causes her to not have interest in what the kids outside are doing… she is not in her own world Miss Cashier she is isolated in a medical condition that won’t release its grip.

It is a medical condition that gives my child the never ending need to complete an entire cartoon episode or movie scene before she can lie down at night and sleep for a few hours before waking up because, well, I don’t know why she wakes up…. She can’t tell me!

It is a medical condition that keeps me up at night worrying about her future… will she go to kindergarten, college, get married, or have kids??

It is a medical condition that makes me call people and say don’t name my child in your will… that would really fuck up her services and treatment plan!

It is a medical condition that prevents her from sitting down with us to eat dinner… missing out on our conversations, laughter, and bonding.

It is a medical condition that makes her crave the same foods presented the same way every day… and, yes, even string, toilet paper, and dirt.

It is a medical condition that prevents me from getting a job… I have to take her to Occupational therapy, Music therapy, Speech therapy, Physical therapy… to the neurologist, geneticist, psychologist… the appointments never end.

It is a medical condition that creates fear about what will happen to her if I die… so; I have just accepted that I cannot die… I must out live my daughter so I don’t have to worry about what will happen to her, because it kills me inside to think about her future. No one in my eyes is qualified to take over.

It is a medical condition that mandates my other daughter to be put on the back burner too often…will the create anger, resentment, or rage?

It is a fucking medical condition!

No, my daughter isn’t lucky to be in her own world. I know she looks like a normal 5 year old in the cart as I push her through the rare trip to the store, but I work daily and, often, through the night at figuring out how to pull her into our world.

I want to know what she thinks, loves, knows, remembers, cherishes…

I want her to be a part of my world, her sister’s world, her father’s world, THIS WORLD!!

Careful of Body Image... She is Watching

When I met my husband I was 18 years old, 5 foot 9 inches, and 95 pounds (if soaking wet). I never wanted to be as thin as I was… my metabolism just was that of a gerbil’s! In fact, I remember many times attempting to gain weight during high school and I just couldn’t. Many people thought I had an eating disorder, but I didn’t—it really was just the way my body and metabolism worked.

I gained a lot of weight when I was 26 years old after my father passed away; I soothed my grief with food: mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate. It wasn’t until years later that I learned Chocolate really did affect the brain. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter commonly known as an antidepressant is triggered by tryptophan which is found in chocolate.

Over the years I have either been either too skinny or too heavy by my own standards. Although, it never amounted into a true eating disorder by definition, it certainly misconstrued how I perceived my body. Now, I admit I am 170 and agonize over the loss of the body I once had.

Today we eat healthy (mostly organic) real foods and trust me I am active… I chase (literally) after kids, do laundry, clean house, go on outdoor excursions, taxi Sahara to and from various therapies & Emily to her extracurricular activities, I climb stairs all day, and never really get a few moments to sit down until the end of the day. At that point, I fall asleep out of pure exhaustion while putting the girls to bed, only to awaken in a few hours because I am worried about the one child who sleep walks and has night terrors and the other who wanders outdoors and is non-verbal.

I am sure that my lack of sleep over the years has contributed to those numbers staring back at me on the scale. I am also sure that I have learned to eat to comfort myself from the pain and worry over having a child diagnosed with autism, the loss of my professional identity, the stress of going from two incomes to one while I stay home with the girls, etc.

I am only 25 pounds away from my ideal weight, but the thing that bothers me the most about all of this isn’t those numbers or my body image... it is the message I have been sending to my approaching tween. I have heard her ask, “am I fat?” and “do I need to lose weight?” Although I will not take complete responsibility for this, I do take some.

I know she quietly sees me looking in the mirror with displeasure and hears me complaining about my outer appearance. She is a product of her mother! But, I also know that the children of today are more consumed with body image than we ever were. They are inundated with magazines and technology showing women that demonstrate perfection…. Let’s face it Sex and Image sells. Britney Spears is a perfect example of a generation x persona that gives a false image to the teens. In more recent times, Miley Cyrus (Hanna Montana) sells ‘sexy’ underwear, makeup, flashy purses and clothing… persuading the tweens and teens to have a certain image.

These young famous girls on the center stage have perfect shapes and complexions… makeup artists, lighting, and computer touch ups make these kids look immaculate. I suppose Barbie is just as bad. When my oldest was little I refused to buy any Barbie dolls for this exact reason. However, when Sahara received a Barbie doll from a kid for her birthday last year… it was over. Let’s face it this plastic personified doll has a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect friends, and a perfect boyfriend, Ken. We are hardwiring our little girls that they need to create this perfect image for themselves.

By the time these young girls are faced with their own emerging bodies, the peers come along… they are influential—regardless of how much we try to stay the primary influence, peers get a hold of our little angels and it is over. (I have found the ones with teenage sisters are the worse.) But, yes, even at 10 years of age, they are commenting about body image and outer body appearance. What is a mother to do?!?!

Firstly, take your own inventory… that is what I had to do. Somewhere along the avenue of mothering my approaching tween, I realized my body perception was influencing hers. I, now, create opportunities for her to see an average woman who is okay with her image. I want her to develop the awareness that it is okay to love yourself as you are and that your self-worth is not contingent on having a certain body image.

Role models start at the top and although we do not remain the primary influence of our young daughters… they are still watching. And if you can be confident in your skin regardless of the brand of clothes you wear, the loss of an 18 year old body, the healthier message they receive about how to perceive themselves.

I am presently 9 months away from my 40^th birthday and am making a commitment to get to my ideal weight by that time. Not because I have a distorted body image that needs to be addressed, but more importantly because I want to be healthier and be a better role model for my young daughters. With heart disease and diabetes running rampid on both sides of their family tree, I want them to understand that the more they respect and take care of their body-temple the longer they will have it.

Jenny McCarthy Offers Hope To Mothers!

Have you noticed that people either love Jenny McCarthy or hate her? Frankly, I didn’t know who Jenny McCarthy was until a friend suggested I Google her after she saw my daughter spinning and avoiding social contact more than 3 years ago. (At that point in our life we were still in denial; how dare she suggest my perfect daughter have autism!!)

It was a few days later when I finally asked my husband if he had heard of her. Of course he had… but it was from her MTV days and the description of that Jenny McCarthy certainly didn’t describe the woman my friend suggested I look up. I put it behind me and we continued on with our life.

My friend kept passively implying that Sahara had many characteristics of autism. I was seriously annoyed that this person has obviously reading into the many traits that were “just Sahara” to us. This feeling was only confirmed when the pediatrician said, “some kids just don’t talk until they are six years old... they just have delayed speech. She seems fine to me. Come back in six months.”

I do admit I had a nagging feeling that something was wrong. (This feeling began when I was pregnant with her... I chalked it up as typical fear that an expectant mother experiences.) It wouldn’t be until she was 3 ½ that we finally yielded to this maternal feeling to have her tested at the Public City School’s Special Needs Preschool. At the IEP meeting, I hit a brick wall. How could I have not seen any of this? She had delays in everything… socially, physically, cognitively, fine motor, gross motor…! I think I cried for 2 days straight, then pulled MY big girl panties up and became proactive. I knew it could be easy to fall into a poor me attitude and lose more precious time or advocate for my child!

I have to admit that it would be another 9 months before her formal diagnosis. That was the second time I felt like I hit a break wall. However, this time instead of grieving I went to the library and got Jenny’s book, Louder than Words. I read it in less than a day…I kept reading passages out loud to my husband, who, honestly, seemed annoyed by my correlating our daughter to Jenny’s son. However, I shamefully admit that I felt relief that we didn’t experience the medical conditions Jenny described.

Louder than Words allowed hope to trickle in my essence for the first time since the beginning of our autism journey. If anything at all, Louder than Words gave me hope that I didn’t have to accept what the Psychologist reported to us, “most of these kids grow up not being able to live independently, don't have productive jobs, or participate in a intimate relationship including friendships.” Honestly, this statement is what fueled my fire. In the beginning I was out to prove her wrong, and then I found Jenny saying that this attitude was wrong…

...HOPE...

I am not saying I believe everything the DAN Doctors, Jenny McCarthy, or other biomedical supporters say, but I am saying that to stomp out any ounce of hope in a parent is wrong. I have had medical professionals tell me that if you followed biomedical treatments, like chelation, you are putting your child at risk for death. I have read statements from the medical community and from parents that debunk Jenny McCarthy based on her “play boy” history and inability to act. Really?!?! How can we base the validity of her claims based on her professional career?

I don’t care how bad of an actress she is in your opinion— there is no correlation between that and her ability to spread the word about vaccination safety and autism. The only button this pushes in me is that no one is talking about the vaccines containing thimerosal that are given to expectant mothers. I once had a nuerologist suggest our daughter's condition proved that there is no vaccination/autism connection because she isn't vaccinated.... what about the two shots of RhoGam I recieved during her pregnancy?!?!

Could that be why during her pregnancy I had this uneasy feeling something was wrong? Or why she would not make eye contact while nursing during infancy? Or why she slept for unusually long periods of times after birth? What about her 5 month old picture that she has Down's Syndrome features? That the geneticist and neurologist couldn't find a biological reason for the autism?

Another mom on Twitter once said that people like Jenny, who are focused on cures, are instilling false hope upon mothers who are more worried about staying status quo.... She implied that we need to except out plight and cope with it. I rebuke that! Hope is what a mother with a child with autism most certainly needs, hope is what Jenny McCarthy and the biomedical field offers. Hope is what allows us to sleep a few minutes each night.

Sadly, I may not be able to afford all of the modalities Jenny has provided for Evan, but I can give my child hope for a brighter tomorrow on the other side of the spectrum. It is not whether or not Jenny McCarthy is a good actress, a playboy or in a relationship with Jim Carrey— It is about a mother whose journey is touching the lives of a nation facing a pestilence among our youth. And if for a moment, you can be inspired that your child may lead a productive healthy life, then by God, let the woman inspire you and speak for the thousands of children who cannot.